http://www.recoverfromanger.com/arts/ArticlesServer.php?op=getArticle&id=4922de9f-8eb4-40f7-bba7-60dd454899d2 http://www.recoverfromanger.com/arts/Category/all/Anger-as-a-signal-of-needs-frustration-in-a-marriage_4922de9f-8eb4-40f7-bba7-60dd454899d2.html Anger as a signal of needs frustration in a marriage Nov 18, 2008 Nora Femenia

Anger is only a signal that some needs from one or both partners in a marriage are not being attended to. De-escalating the fight and lowering the voices will afford to ask the more useful question: what can be done to repair this frustration?

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Dealing with Anger in Marriage  When we fall in love, it is very easy to sort feelings in a kind way…Nothing can get us upset about our loved one, and if something appears, then we have lots of time, patience and dedication to sort things out. Or perhaps, we dismiss the issue as not worthy of a fight, in comparison with all the joy and satisfaction we are getting in other areas of the relationship. Why, then, anger becomes such a damaging issue later in marriage?  Everyone expresses anger—some people more intensely and frequently than others. Anger is a natural emotion, a very human response to perceived threats to your safety, well-being, or happiness; and it’s natural to defend yourself from those perceived threats….the challenge appears when we see our partner as the threat, and we need to sort out the confusion. Why is it that this person, who says loves me, is now taking my things without permission? Or how come this person is invading a space that is private? Getting to know the limits between two people is not easy….what is surprising is how many times what is only ignorance from the other side is interpreted as a willful intentional trespassing and received with just anger! Anger is inevitable in marriage; what counts is how do we solve it without hurting the relationship…It’s not whether we get angry, but how do we process and act on that anger that matters. When two people live together, there are bound to be episodes of anger. In fact, those who study anger indicate that more angry feelings develop in marital relationships than in any other type of relationship. The frequency and potency of these angry episodes varies from couple to couple.  Successful anger management can mean the difference between marital joy and misery. The success or failure of a marriage depends more on the way a couple copes with and manages their angry feelings, than on the mere fact that they have angry feelings.There are several shared cultural ideas about how do we process anger, which really compound the problem. What do you think, for instance, from propositions like these: • If you ignore hurt and anger, they will go away. Well, this is denial in the purest form, right? These feelings don’t go away, they fester…Then let’s look at the opposite suggestion:  • It is necessary for you to vent feelings of anger, in this way they will go away. It doesn’t take into account the reactions of people witnessing your anger explosions, getting afraid that you will scream at them any time soon! Is something left? Oh, yes….the martyr role: • Playing the martyr (being nice all the time) and not expressing anger will not damage you, or the relationship Of course, we wake up to the fact that the old resentments are not gone, but alive and well, coming back at us all together in a very nasty concentrated form. So, what people should do to solve this dilemma? Is it possible to express your anger in a positive way?  Yes, you need to learn different ways of processing inevitable anger feelings in a way that is useful to know more about the other person, her wants and needs. You can notice your anger feelings, find a calm time with your spouse and express those feeling without no blaming, spreading guilt or reproaching anyone.Then, after declaring the facts “I feel angry” you need to share the frustrated need underneath your anger. No yelling, no accusing but describing the fact that “I’m angry because we didn’t get to see my parents last weekend and I missed them.”  Probably the other spouse never understood the depth of the need before, and now there is an opportunity to fix things in a different way. The change is all based on the way you express the anger, as a problem to be solved jointly, and not as the battle cry of a wounded soul who cries out loud to the bad, selfish or mean other… Otherwise, if you continue attacking your partner when angry, there soon will be little left of trust and intimacy to build a future upon….Is better to look at the inevitable anger in marriage as a part of the communication which needs some working out, translated into the question: What kind of frustration of her/his needs is revealed in this anger? How can we find ways to discover and solve this problem, in an environment of mutual respect?]]> Nora Femenia is a well known coach, conflict solver and trainer, and CEO of Creative Conflict Resolutions, Inc. Visit her blog and signup free to be connected to her innovative conflict solutions, positive suggestions and life-changing coaching sessions, along with blog updates, news, and more! Go to: http://www.creativeconflicts.com]]>